Somebody! Anybody!! For The Love of Sanity, Give Me Coffee NOW!!!

Oh dread.  Today is one of those days where I wake up tired.  I crack one eye slightly open, ooze out of bed, stumble to the kitchen in search of help.  (Help comes in the form of by best friend, Coffee.  I only socialize with full octane, his dirty weasel of a step brother, Decaf, has no room in my life, what an impostor!)  I'm trying to gather my wits enough to figure out where in Sam McCrackin' do I store the coffee?!  Even though it's been stored in the same cabinet for the last seven years I'm somehow stumped.  I look around blurry eyed and confused like I'm seeing my kitchen for the first time.  Suddenly it comes to me that it might be in the cupboard with the words "Coffee House" emblazoned on the door.  Okay, found it.  I dump, oh, about 3/4 of the bag in the filter basket.  Next water.  I tell myself this one should be simple to find.  I have a hunch it's near the sink.  Sure enough, I turn a couple of knobs and voila water pours out.  Feeling extremely accomplished I fill the pot.  Finally everything is ready and I turn the coffee machine on.  As soon as I start smelling the euphoric aroma of the brewing coffee I am filled with hope that I may actually be able to open up both of my eyes today afterall! 

      

I sit at the kitchen table drinking my first cup of the day and I can't help but to start lovingly reminisce.   Since I was a little girl I have loved drinking coffee.  I started out drinking sips from my Dad's mug or Thermos.  Then at family reunions I would wait until the grownups were all busy talking and then stand by the coffee maker and guzzle one cup after another.  My family would always end up leaving first from these occasions which always puzzled me, I mean I thought it was really cool how I could climb to the very tippy top of a 30 foot Blue Spruce.  When I was in college I perfected the "Over Nighter" pot of coffee until after just a single cup I could stay awake for 3 1/2 days and recite the Declaration of Independence backward and Forward in Pig Latin.   The man I married doesn't buy me flowers, they die.  He doesn't buy me candy, I only like chocolate... and only certain kinds.  He knows me too well.  When he wants to play Prince Charming he brings home an industrial sized bag of my favorite coffee.  After he hauls it into the house with a hand truck it takes days for my smile to fade.  He learned a long time ago that the fastest way to get my attention is to tuck coffee grounds in his cheeks and under his tongue. 

Maybe tonight, to be on the safe side, I'll sleep with my bag of coffee so I can find it faster tomorrow morning.

Victoria's Secret ~ Everyday Women, Special Edition... Are You Sure?

Victoria's Secret.  At times I have criticized the models as not being life-like.  I mean how many women do you know in your everyday real life that look like that?  So I got to thinking the other day about what I believed to be a brilliant idea... um... at first.  This idea of mine is for a publication of a special edition catalogue issue of "VICTORIA'S SECRET EVERYDAY WOMEN".  Come on, you have to admit it sounds appealing to all of us 'everyday women', right?!  I began to explore this idea of mine and envisioning the women I know in place of these svelte beauties currently modeling V.S. wares.

Unfortunately, sometimes the dream is better than the reality.  I can just see it now...


I'm in the service waiting lounge of the local Garage getting tires put on my car.  I thumb through the selection of mags sitting on the side table.  "Golf America" *pass*, "Cooking At Home 365 Days A Year" *PASS*, "Arts & Crafts Galore" *eh pass*, "Victoria's Secret Special Edition Featuring Everyday Women" *Cool!  I need a new bra.*

Page 3:  Oh look!  There's the 'Oh So Slender Thigh Slimmer'... uh oh, having a bit of trouble taming Martha's saddle bags.

Page 8:  Lois is modeling a Flyaway Babydoll nightie.  She's actually in really good shape.  So it wouldn't be half bad  if she hadn't torn her rotator cuff back in 1998 and hasn't shaved her armpits since.  Not to mention the hairy belly trail leading down from her belly button that looks like she swiped it off a construction worker.

Page 17:  Ruby, from Willard Street, shows off the new Racerback bra with an unfortunate case of back acne. 

Page 20:  I could have lived my whole life without seeing the scalloped Cheeky Panty modeled by my cousin Agnes. 

Page 22:  AUNT LAVINA?!?!  She's had a losing battle with age spots and skin tags for years now!

Page30:  I'm almost to the last page.  I can do this.  It's a good thing.  Everyday women.  Women that are real.  Respectable women that deserve to be looked up to and idolized.  But I can't do it.  Why?  Because I recognize the feet of this woman on this page and I-just-can't-do-it!  It's the feet I see everyday of my life... it's ME!!!

By now I've got the cold sweats and feel completely nauseated.  Cellulite, varicose veins, skin tags, oooohhh and those dreaded moles with hair growing out of them.  Nope, this is NOT a good idea!  There is no amount of purple leopard, party pink or safari print that can change my mind!  The next time I shop for a bra I want to see it on a model, not my aunt.  Yes, that's right, I want to keep my little illusion that once I slip that sucker on I'll look a little more svelte RATHER than having all hope dashed ahead of time!  On second thought... if there's ever a Victoria's Secret Catalogue published with everyday women, that's fine, just as long as it's not the women I know.

Excuse Me, Did You Know...?

All of my life I have been plagued with a type of dilemma.  Do I or don't I?  Don't I or do I?  That dilemma of which I speak and have struggled with for so long is... When somebody has something on their face, do I take the liberty of pointing it out to them or let them find it in their own time?   After much deliberation I came to the conclusion that the thoughtful thing to do is to speak up.  Afterall, who wants to look in the mirror one day and realize you've been walking around all this time, talking to people no less, with THAT on your face?!

Okay, so I pulled up my mental boot straps and prepared myself  to fulfil my civic duty.  As it turned out, I didn't have to wait long.  I saw my opportunity.  I gracefully and inconspicuously leaned near the person in need and relayed my message.  I revealed to them the embarrassing thing on their face that they were obviously not aware of because, well, it was still on their face.  And was I thanked?  No!  Quite the contrary actually. 

At first I thought it might have been an isolated incident.  But then it seemed to follow the same trend with each person I helped.  Not a one of them was appreciative!  Not the woman I discreetly pointed out the unsightly mole, with dark hair sprouting out of it, growing on the side of her cheek.  Even though I offered her the number of a dermatologist that does fantastic and painless mole removal.  Not the man that I so kindly pointed out that he had stray nose hairs coming out of both nostrils that resembled Kansas tumble weeds.  Nor the other woman, when I called her attention to the down right offensive unibrow she was sporting that would have put Frida Kahlo to shame!
 
 Nope, not one speck of gratitude from any of them.  

From here on out I consider myself off the hook.  I'm officially hanging up my good samaritan smock.  Miss Priss can just continue modeling her mustache for all I care and Mr. Fancy Pants can carry on cultivating a briar patch in his ears.  May you all, one day, take a closer look in the mirror.
   

Green Clean (on a serious note...)

Distilled white vinegar, olive oil, salt, baking soda.  No I'm not making supper, I'm cleaning the house.  My all time fave tool for cleaning is this book.  It has a recipe for absolutely anything you might need or dream up.  All made with natural ingredients like the ones I listed above.

There's a recipe for anything from furniture polish to natural bleach to drain cleaner.  You can practically lick your fingers while using one of these treats without fear of instant death.  Although I'm certainly NOT recommending you to lick your fingers while cleaning the porcelain throne ewwww!

To just name a few, essential oils such as peppermint,  lavender and tea tree  are fantastic add-ins.  All 3 are known for their antibacterial, antiviral and antifungal properties.  Peppermint and lavender smell wonderful, tea tree is kind of on the strong side but worth it when you're trying to kill germs around the toilet!  Plus a little goes a long way.  When you are using essential oils it is in terms of 'drops', instead of ounces or cups, so a little bottle of essential oil seems to last and last and last.

This book covers it all and is extremely informative.  It explains the evils of everyday chemical cleaners which is very helpful when you're a new convert to the natural side.  And if you miss the nice lemony smell of your old cleaners, you can get it back with a little essential oil of lemon - Go Figure!

What She (DOESN'T) Tell You In Her Cute Little Public Health Journal

I recently read a health journal a 30 something woman had posted for the whole world to see and envy.  It was a run down of her day including exercise and the foods she ate.  As I read through it I felt like something was missing.  Perhaps the whole truth!  I have taken it upon myself to post a true-to-life health journal that includes the things "they" (don't) tell us...

DAY 29
~ Woke up in time to see the sun rising this morning
(panicked when I couldn't remember what day it was)

~ Performed a delicious full body stretch
(expelled a tremendous amount of gas)

~ Bounded out of bed ready to start the day
(landed on a binder clip, pointy side up #@*!)

~ Got ready for my morning jog by putting on my adorable tank with cutie pie cotton/Lycra shorts
(so my thighs won't chaff anymore, maybe I should consider aqua jogging instead)

~ Ran 3 miles in record time
(because the BIG call of nature came knocking once I was a mile and a half from home... I knew I should have taken the time to go  before I left!)

~ Showered
(didn't shave my legs again - they're starting to look a little hypertrichotic)

~ Ate a yummy breakfast of 3 walnuts and 2 blueberries
(15 minutes later was still starving so went to McDonalds and ordered a McGriddle meal - WOW did that hit the spot!)

~ Went to work
(booor-ing)

~ Ate a nutritious lettuce wrap for lunch
(on my break ran to the car and snarfed a Snicker candy bar and downed a Dr. Pepper)

~ Enjoyed the drive home with the windows down
(stupid air conditioner is on the fritz again)

~ Made a simple quick supper
(Hamburger Helper)

~ Did some end-of-day weight training to work my pectorals which is paying off because my breasts are definitely looking perkier (too bad I'm a AAcup)

~ Went to bed really early, gotta get my beauty rest - sweet dreams everybody:)
(Insomnia hit.  Got back up.  Dug a Hostess Twinkie out of the back of my closet and guzzled a glass of whole milk.  Got back in bed and slept like a baby.)

You Don't Know Me... Or Him, Her Or Them!

We've all ran across them in our journeys through the land of Internet.  We've all taken a turn secretly reading or watching them with the tiny glimmer of hope that valuable information is indeed hidden somewhere, surely, in the depth of their bowels.  I would be referring to Home Grown Tutorials that leave us saying, "SERIOUSLY?!?!"
In honor of our fellow helpful friends out there I have put together a little tidbit of my own.  So sit up, take notes and be ready to learn, well, maybe...


How To Write Non Fiction Well

There is one thing a nonfiction author must be vigilant about - human privacy.  Over the many years I have been writing I have honed this skill of mine to a razor sharp edge.  With my eyes closed I can change names, places and social security numbers to protect the privacy of the individuals I'm writing about.  I don't do it too often that way when I'm using pen and paper because I tend to not be able to write in a straight line.  I suggest keeping your training wheels on when just starting out, so keep your eyes open for the first little while.  Of course you can use real names if you get a signed consent, but I'm not talking about that so just shelve it and zip your lip!  I will now instruct you fledglings in the art of changing names. 

The trick is to change the name without changing any integral part of the character, for we all know that is a risk we take since a person's name has such meaning.  I mean would The Incredible Hulk been near as menacing if they had called him The Incredible Hank?!  I think not!! 

Where was I?  Ah yes, saving integrity.  The name 'Chris' is a good one to use as an example here.  I simply change the first letter and end up with 'Kris' - no integrity is lost but identity has been changed.  The next name I'm going to use here is 'Jane'.  Hmmm, on second thought, you can keep any 'Jane' as 'Jane' because most likely your audience will think you are referring to 'Jane Doe'.   

Lastly, here is my most ultimate trick of all of my tricks of the trade.  Sometimes I'll even go that one extra mile and really flex my name changing muscle.  Take heed.  Foreign language.  Yes, that is right, at times I'll go as far as changing the person's name to a name in a totally different language.  Spanish tends to be my language of choice but another good one is Swahili .  You'll notice that I can take 'John' and in a flash obscure his identity with the Spanish name 'Juan'. 

That wraps up this session of How To Write Non Fiction Well.  Good luck in your venture as an author and remember not to forget those of us who have been willing to freely share our wealth of knowledge with you along the way.